These are the only kinds of cougars that won’t be represented. The 1968 model year, however, will be in full force.

Oh, William Holden wannabes, get ready to meet your Gloria Swanson. Just hope you don’t get murdered in a pool. (49-year-old movie spoiler alert!) Yes, the cougar convention is coming to town.

The Tropicana brings the Mariah Careys* of the world looking for their Nick Cannons to the ballroom tonight for a little December-May action. So gentlemen, dust off your dinner jackets and get ready to get your little Dustin Hoffman Mrs. Robinsoned (we have no idea what that means, either).

The queen of the cougars, as voted on by the dudes in the audience, will be crowned as Miss Cougar Las Vegas by Tyana Alvarado (as you well know, the reigning Miss Cougar California). She’ll receive a trip on a cougar cruise and (we swear we’re not making this up) a copy of Ashton Kutcher’s Spread. Because Dude, Where’s My Car? would be age-inappropriate.

It all goes down at 7 p.m., with a keynote address from pro-cougar author Rich Gosse at 7:30. It’s $20 at the door, but shouldn’t dudes get in free? Isn’t this the one time we can get in on that sweet ladies’ night action with some free hooch and waived cover? We call bullshit on that.

Here’s the one real reason to be interested in cougars that no one ever talks about: Women live an average of seven years longer than men. If you’re in your 20s and you get together with a broad in her 40s, she’s still going to drop dead 10 years before you do. Finally, you’ll get the peace and quiet that the average man in his mid-70s only gets from his bride in her late-60s via the sweet, sweet release of death.

* We can’t guarantee they’ll be hammered out of their minds and poured into a dress that doesn’t allow freedom of movement. Sadly.

By Jason Scavone

Give the man this: He is thoroughly committed to keeping the tux as a showroom staple. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

There’s a story Wayne Newton tells midway through Once Before I Go at the Tropicana where during the late ’70s, he was asked to do a fundraiser for the UNLV marching band along with Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra.

You get the impression it’s always the late ’70s for Wayne Newton. As long as he’s on stage, he can keep reliving, night after night, the highights of his career — and that’s cool. You can see why anyone would want to do that. But even Tom Seaver had to be pulled off the mound at the end. It’s clear the time has come for Newton. His voice is rough and unreliable. He has to shotgun tea by the glass just to hit the big notes toward the end of the night. It sounds, in short, like Casey Kasem singing Katharine Hepburn.

You couldn’t help but feel bad for him. The whole thing felt vaguely like Waynesploitation. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

(Photo by Erik Kabik | Retna)

It’s all sorts of entertainment reconfiguration at the Tropicana. Along with the addition of Wayne Newton and the subtraction of Rich Natole, comic Bobby Slayton, who was four-walling the showroom, has been de-listed from the Trop’s entertainment schedule. You already can’t buy tickets through the hotel’s website, but we’re awaiting official word on whether the show, which just started in March, is already done or has shows left to perform.

UPDATE: Slayton’s last show was Sunday, a Trop rep confirms.

By Jason Scavone

Hey! Wayne Newton can see your house from here! (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

New management at the Tropicana has been aggressive since taking over, and today they staged the biggest coup of their short tenure by signing the actual undead to perform five nights a week, live on stage, as the lifeless, shambling corpse of Wayne Newton will celebrate 50 years of entertaining in Las Vegas starting Oct. 14 in Once Before I Go. Which is a title that makes it sound either like Newton is going to pull a Budd Dwyer in his last show, or he just learned that a bunch of angry villagers finally found the voodoo spell to reverse zombiism.

The show is being positioned as a celebration of the Newt’s career with full orchestra, video and photos — all brought together by Trop chairman and CEO Alex Yemenidjian. It’s poised to be kind of a life story, including the tale of his signature tuxedo (There’s a story behind dressing up for shows? Isn’t that what everyone did in the ’50s? We thought that was as common as smoking in the doctor’s office and daring cirrhosis to invade your liver.) to his history with Elvis, the Rat Pack and others. To be fair, we’d pay good money to spend an evening listening to stories about Dean Martin.

“Being the new kid on the block back in 1959, it is both exciting and artistically challenging that in 2009 I am able to do the kind of show I’ve always wanted to do here in my home town that I love,” Newton said.

Tickets go on sale today and are marked at $79.99, $99.99 and $149.99 for the VIP package that includes a meet and greet. The show will run Tuesday through Saturday at 8:30 p.m. in the Tiffany Theatre. Although if they got Matthew Broderick to lip synch on a float as part of the last big number, the tickets are easily worth twice that.

By Jason Scavone

We’ll be putting our bid in if the court puts it up for sale.

Tropicana Entertainment LLC has officially filed for bankruptcy, verifying the rumors that have been swirling for days. The loss of its gambling license in New Jersey has hamstrung the company, but we know what’s really going on here: The upcoming move of Bodies to the Luxor is the coup de grace.

By Jason Scavone