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  • TIGER SCOPED OUT LIQUID

    Tiger
    Big as grapefruits, big as pumpkins.

    While it was Tiger Jam weekend, the fundraiser’s namesake was setting up shop in a Liquid cabana where, “There was a frenzy … many girls were trying to get up to his cabana, but were unsuccessful.”

    Because Tiger was already hanging out with a bunch of girls. Seems like he must be mellowing in his age, because a young, hungry Tiger would have lined all those women up and run down the line. And then text them about the slapping, biting and spankings they’re in for.

    UCHITEL SHOPPING SHOW

    Uchitel
    Of course it’s a reality dating show. It’s never a Match Game-style ’70s revival game show.

    Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel is working out at a local dance studio, not, says TMZ, to get onto Dancing with the Stars, but to pitch her own reality show.

    We’re told the premise is that Rachel has a hard time meeting guys, given what’s been going on with her. The pitch — watch Rachel try to find true love … with single guys..

    We’re told Rachel was in L.A. earlier this month and pitched the show — along with her producing entourage — to E!, VH1, Oxygen and Lifetime. We’re told Lifetime and E! have passed, but VH1 and Oxygen are still in play.

    As for Rachel’s entourage — one of the producers is Scott Jeffress, who produced Jersey Shore, The Bachelor and a bunch of other shows.”

    Uh. How are they completely missing the boat here? The money premise isn’t to have Uchitel go out and try to date guys who are actually, honest-to-God, we-swear-there-won’t-be-a-plot-twist-with-an-estranged-wife-hiding-out-in-Canada single. The money premise is to use that Jersey Shore connec and pair her with Snooki in a quest to find them both boyfriends.

    Uchitel can use her club connections to find Snooki a guy who only owns Affliction clothing, and Snook can hook her up with an Italian fella. Because if The Sopranos taught us anything, it’s that Italian guys can cheat on their wives all the time and stay married without it blowing up into some big national scandal. Tiger should have just called Uchitel his goomara, and none of this would have ever happened.

    TIGER LOVES THE VEGAS GIRLS

    Grubbs
    Jaimee Grubbs, left, should be crossed off your Confess Secrets to Her Voicemail list.

    It started — innocently? — enough with the National Enquirer broke the news that Tiger Woods had an affair with former Tao VIP hostess Rachel Uchitel. Then there was his Thanksgiving jaunt that got a little bloody and golf-clubby.

    Then came word that Jaimee Grubbs, best known for being Shawn Southern’s other girl (Or was it first girl? We tuned out the parts that weren’t her fighting with Aida.) on Tool Academy, did 31 months with Tiger after they met at Light (now The Bank) in 2007. She not only was in town in March with other Academy girls, but she also taught us a valuable lesson in cover-ups that we already should’ve known from the Nixon Administration: Namely to keep your covering up conversations strictly face-to-face, and to maybe leave recording devices out of the equation.

    Now, Life & Style magazine is reporting that The Bank’s marketing manager Kalika Moquin was among Tiger’s dalliances. TMZ also fired out some super grainy pics of Tiger at Tao in October that don’t really show much of anything, even for someone in the middle of a cheating scandal.

    If it all seems to be adding up quickly, well, it is. That’s why we’d like to make things simple for everyone and sort through the list of Vegas women Tiger Woods has definitely not had sex with:

    • Emma Taylor: Actually one of Terry Fator’s puppets.
    • Frank Marino: Just in drag as Joan Rivers. Not a real woman.
    • Elaine Wynn: Probably. We think. You know what? We really shouldn’t assume anything.
    • The Jubilee sign at Bally’s: He would’ve stopped way too much traffic up there in a cherry picker. Someone would’ve said something by now.

    You know what? That’s all we can be absolutely sure of. If you are a woman, and you live in Las Vegas, and in the unlikely chance you have not had sex with Tiger Woods please, please send your info to tips@dailyfiasco.com so we can add you to this list and ensure your name doesn’t get dragged through this ever-widening circle of mud.