Your relationship, like the toaster, is forked.

Ever think your relationship, while bland, is fine? You don’t have horrible fights. You don’t play mind games with each other. You don’t even mind when she wants to watch We TV on “wedding Sunday.” (Ed. note: Just reading about that makes us break out in hives.) You’ve just gotten used to watching sports in the guest bedroom or online. There’s nothing really wrong with it, so there’s not really a reason to break up? Except for maybe one small, miniscule, tiny thing.

Your significant other doesn’t love you anymore.

I say it’s a tiny thing because some people feel guilty breaking up with someone just because they don’t have the same feelings they used to. It’s like a toaster that works on one side only. Why get a new one when the one side is perfectly fine? (Ed. note: Be … cause … you have an insatiable appetite for toast? When you say “toast,” you mean “strippers,” right?) Eventually, you’ll break down and get a new one to avoid inconvenience. But when the other person thinks things are fine but you’ve slipped into the comfort zone, it can be surprising. (Ed. note: Wait, is this about putting peanut butter on the toast after you put the jelly on and then getting chunks of peanut butter in the jelly jar and then the next person gets totally skeezed out because they just wanted a little strawberry on their toast without dragging Skippy into the equation? Because we can totally understand that.) Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Still, better than seeing Chris Hansen show up.

Like Cops, Cheaters packs a punch in just one episode. As in “Someone is likely to get punched.” Suspicious lovers hire Cheaters‘ private investigators do the dirty work, and when the truth is revealed, one man is there to help the jilted confront their cheating partner, block them from slaps or spit — or in some cases, a whip — and demand the truth be told.

That man is Joey Greco.

Greco has been the host of Cheaters and the face of justice for the jilted for about six years of the almost 11 the show has been on the air. With that experience, he’s learned a lot about how couples should and shouldn’t handle the issue of cheating. He’s been through a lot — including being cuffed and carted off to jail, almost whipped, and stabbed in the name of duty (Ed. note: There is no journalism job in the world that pays enough to get stabbed.) — he’s learned a lot, too, including, obviously, how to handle a cheating partner. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

It’s a trap!

The set-up, blindish date: it’s “one step away from the personals” as George Costanza said. And for you young’uns: Personals are kind of like Craigslist, Match or eHarmony, but in an actual, print newspaper. (Ed. note: Print whatnow?) You might be able to see these “personal ads” if you read a homeless man’s blanket as you walk by.

I feel like anytime people wanted to set me up with someone or people talk about knowing the perfect person for me, the relationship is doomed right from there.

This has probably happened to you, especially if you have lots of married friends aching for you to join in the misery of marriage. There’s instant pressure for things to happen. Plus your friend went out of their way to hook things up between you two — whether you wanted them to or not — and they might be resentful if things don’t work out. (Ed. note: Perhaps you should try friends who aren’t bitter busybodies with an itchy trigger finger for resentment.)

But set-ups aren’t all bad. If you’re being set up by someone who knows you well and whom you trust (Nana might not be one to trust since she’s old and blind), who knows, it could work out well. Here are some things to keep in mind: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Much like dating, you don’t have to just eat it already.

Are you one of those people who knows what they want? When you crave a chicken parmesan sandwich for lunch, as specific as that is, do you have to have one, even if you have to drive 25 minutes down the road? Do you always get what you want because you know what you want and, hell, you deserve it? And when you don’t get it, do people think you’re picky? (Ed. note: They could also think you’re a pain in the ass. Let’s not rule that out.)

Of course, I’d use a food example, but hey, if I don’t get animal-style fries from In-n-Out or a chorizo burrito from Roberto’s every week, you don’t want to be around me. I get cranky if I can’t satisfy my food cravings. Anyways, I can relate to Type A personalities who have to have what they want, and won’t settle for anything less. Food is easy, but when it comes to dating, getting exactly what you want in a person is a bit harder. (Ed. note: Actually, “animal style” is still appropriate in either case.)

People know what they look for in someone they’d ideally like to date for a long time. But what if you’ve been doing the dating thing for a long time, and you still haven’t found someone you really like, and no one seems to live up to your standards? What do you do then? (Ed. note: Drive to Pahrump.) Do you need to loosen what you’re looking for? You might know what you want, but should you just start learning to take people as they come? Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

You can see the exact moment his heart breaks.

Ah, heartbreak. I’s such a bitch. Especially for a guy, that bitch punches you out cold, stomps all over you in stilettos and pours salt in the cuts on your face and makes you never want to trust another guy or girl again.

Getting over a girl who you actually clicked with and who wasn’t a total pain in the ass is hard. Guys can hide behind their steel facades of no emotion, but since most of my friends are guys — and not all of them are sensitive — I know that if you cared a lot about a girl (it’s OK to admit it, as long as she wasn’t a major slut or a huge bitch to your friends), you hurt a lot when she breaks your heart.

But you’re going to have to move on to the next one. I mean, you are going to want to wade through tons of other options (and by “wade,” I mean “sleep with”) to find someone who’s hopefully better than this bitch who stomped on your heart.

But when you’re trying to get over the bitch, make sure you don’t do these five things: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Libertie! Egalite! Brie!

Today is Bastille Day, a notable occurrence in French history of being the first time the French actually surrendered to the French. It was on this day that the French learned the subtle arts of giving up, allowing them to go on to capitulate to a number of diverse and increasingly complex foes. The road to Vichy started on Rue Saint-Antoine way back in 1789.

So what have we learned? Well, on MTV’s The City, Kelly Cutrone tells Whitney Port that “every girl should date a French guy.” I’m not sure that’s exactly true. I mean, why?

(Also, I apologize for opening this column with a quote from The City. It won’t happen again. I only watch it to look at their cute clothes, I swear! Don’t you judge me.)

Sure, French guys can be romantic, charming and have a sexy accent. (Ed. note: So can East Coast Italians. Ayyy! We’re typin’ over here.) And if you can’t understand them, it usually doesn’t matter, because they’re probably trying to seduce you anyways. Smiling, nodding and, of course, French kissing them will work if you have no idea what they’re saying to you. But just about any foreigner has those three qualities — except for maybe someone from Botswana or Afghanistan. (Ed. note: The dudes from the Botswana Abercombie catalog will be crushed to hear this. Nevermind that the Botswana Abercrombie catalog mainly model 2010 NBA Champion Celtics T-shirts and machetes.)

I might be generalizing a little (OK, a lot), but ladies, you should trust me. Know why? I actually did date a French guy, and it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. Here’s why you should do your best to keep it in the Gallic pants: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Did we mention she shoots her own photography, too?

It’s always better to indulge in your desires when someone there to help you along — bartenders, strippers, gun range owners. Yet at the top of the indulgent mountain are the women who, like Florence Nightingale, will bring much-needed relief to men in desperate men, prostrate with anguish. And like Florence Nightingale, they will sometimes also dress like nurses.

Yep, escorts.

For a look behind the curtain, we have the Vegas Courtesan, who’s been blogging her experience at the eminently entertaining and not-remotely-safe-for-work TheLasVegasCourtesan.com, where her work ranges from escort tips to stories about run-ins with the cops. You can also follow her on Twitter at @VegasCourtesan. She agreed to answer a few questions for us. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

That boy needs therapy.

I don’t know if you can tell from my columns, but I’m not your typical female. I know. My mother is very upset about this.

However, even though I don’t do “typical” female things — daydream about my future wedding, pick stupid fights and then insist I’m right, go to the bathroom in flocks — I don’t have a penis. Trust me, I’ve checked. More than a few times. (Ed. note: This puts you ahead of Madonna. We assume.)

So I’ve come to notice over the years, that I think I’m accidentally attracting guys by not acting like a typical female. It’s a bit reverse psychology-ish, but I swear it’s true and it works — even though I don’t really want it to work. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Pictured: After.

It’s still summer, meaning it’s still wedding season (only two more months to go until I can stop searching through gift registries for the cheapest gift options). While wedding season is super annoying, at least I have one thing to look forward to: Open bars at the receptions.

Vegas is all about the drive-through chapels and quick casino ceremonies, but some people even choose to have their ceremonies in less wedding-y Vegas venues. Not their receptions — the ceremonies.

Recently, I went to a friend’s wedding in Wasted Space (and when I say “went to,” I mean “saw she was getting married out here on Facebook and showed up in a dress to see if I could score free food and drinks.” In case you were wondering, it worked). Now, that’s not the most romantically named bar, with “wasted” being in its name. Actually, maybe that’s fitting — I know I’d need to be pretty wasted to not only agree to spend my life with someone, but also get married in a bar. But this space was actually good for a wedding. My friend (and by “friend” I mean “girl in my sorority who I spoke to maybe four times? Five?”) and her fiancé said their vows on the stage where the bands usually play, and after the ceremony, they still had the space and bar area for a small reception.

That got me thinking to what other bars and clubs might be good for an actual wedding ceremony. (Ed. note: Does getting hammered on cheap beer in a Terrible’s parking lot and promising to make the bag lady dumpster diving “A respectable woman, Mrs. Hobo,” count as a bar wedding? Because if so, we’ve already done this.) Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

‘Sexual Ha-what now?’ ‘I have no idea, Roger. Now let’s go get another highball.’

Every girl has probably had a at least one job where there was one guy who hit on her every day. It just comes with the territory of being cute and having boobs. (Ed. note: Just like scoring free drinks, or making 80 cents on the man’s dollar.) If you’re a girl who hasn’t ever been leered at or hit on at work, well, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but: You’re ugly. And/or fat.

Sometimes it can get to be a bit much, but you might not want to rock the boat if you’re in a sticky situation. Maybe you’re new and the guy doing the sexual harassing is a colleague who’s loved by all your new coworkers. Or he’s your boss. Or the head of HR. (Ed. note: This is the real-life equivalent of every movie where someone can’t go to the cops because they’re already on the bad guy’s payroll.)

If you’re sick and tired of feeling more objectified than usual at the workplace, try these tips to get guys to stop their leering: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims