Just the essentials: Goofy hat. Bow tie. Beer. Pug dog.

With days of heavy drinking (I realize today is a Wednesday — I hope that doesn’t stop most of you), you have to be prepared for anything that can happen. Everyone has blacked out at least once, and during that time, the awesomest things in your life happened. If you could just remember those secrets you discovered, you’d probably be wildly popular and fantastically wealthy right now. That’s why we drink. To return to that state of excellence.

The life lessons I’ve learned from St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago are lessons that will stay with me forever: $5 and begging and pleading will get the nice South Side parade shuttle driver to pull over the entire bus for a girl to pee; taking a Vicodin for a headache after drinking all day is not smart (and on that same note, it’s really awkward to throw up in the girl’s bathroom sink when the line is out the door and the girls have nowhere else to look but at you, vomiting); and I might want to cut back on drinking a tad if my mother calls every St. Patrick’s Day morning to tell me not to get so drunk and fall in the Chicago River and die. She’d be very sad if that happened. But, this is a plus to moving to the desert — that risk is long gone. (Ed. note: Unless you have a predilection for buying Southwest tickets while blacked out. In which case, game on!)

The lesson I’m passing on to readers today: If you throw up in a sink – or anywhere – today, be prepared. Carry these survival essentials for whatever the Irish throw your way today. Probably snakes. Those dudes seriously, seriously hate snakes: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Other bad usernames: FurryLuv, MascotMan, ThisIsn’tAsWeirdAsYouThinkItIsNoReallyISwearPleaseTalkToMe.

How do you decide who to “wink” at when perusing Match.com? Or who to message and make good use out of an eHarmony subscription? What counts more: their photo, profile or their chosen username?

A survey of online daters found that a bad username can really hinder selection when picking a potential partner. Newslite.tv found that people with adjectives in their username were significantly less likely to be chosen for a date, as were people who used overly descriptive language. But using words like “millionaire” or “footballer” in your username didn’t tend to hinder people from getting selected. Blame it on Millionaire Matchmaker and Footballer’s Wives popularity.

“Choosing a username is the first step to creating an online dating profile,” says Lexi Proud, founder of ArrangeMeADate.com, which conducted the study.

So, while you might think your username gives your profile a personal touch, like LonelySexyGurl or BigGuns101, it’s actually going to make people stay away (Ed. note: What if they’re just a fan of the Skid Row song “Big Guns?” What do you mean, “Still not helping?” Welp. Off to change the ol’ screen name.). Without potential suitors seeing your personality, whatever adjectives you throw into your screen name don’t necessarily make sense, and it can come across as weird.

“Adjectives such as shy, sexy, wild and lonely can typecast people rather than draw in admirers, and putting words like wacky, zany and quirky in front of your name does little more than make you seem odd,” Proud said.

Makes sense. We know online dating can be hard enough, what, with its online-ness and no actual, real face time. It’s probably hard to tell which people are using photos from 15 years ago, or currently on probation. (Ed. note: The screen name “AnkleBracelet576″ is probably a giveaway.) With that said, here are some usernames, and anything along these lines, you should probably avoid chatting up on dating sites: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

First rule of being a good wingwoman: Never get your partner killed in a training accident.

Tired of going to the bars just to leave empty-handed? And by empty-handed, I mean without any chicks’ numbers or the chick themselves, not a beer or two for the road or crushed-up Adderall to snort from the guy you met in the bathroom. Which is weird. Don’t tell anyone where you got that. But do it first, because I want to know if it’s good stuff or not.

If you need a little help in the ladies department, you can always get a wingwoman. Have no female friends? (Trying to sleep with all of them all the time might scare them off.) Hire one. (Ed. note: Why is everyone always telling us that we should definitely cut straight to hiring girls? We assume they mean to do household chores.)

That’s right, there are companies out there who will provide wing women to shy, awkward guys who are less Don Draper and more Don Knotts. Companies — like WingWoman Tours, WingWomen.com and WingGirlMethod.com – have sprung up because they’re good at what they do: pickin’ up chicks. We asked Lory Ambrosini, part owner of WingWoman Tours with Kim Ehler, what exactly a wingwoman does, why guys should pay for them and how they can not only get you ladies, but help you have an all-around better time in Vegas. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

And if anyone out there needs to practice they’re stripping technique, we’re available to help.

No matter what BusinessWeek says, I know what the increase of menu options and lengthening happy hours means: the recession is still here. Hell, IHOP was just giving away free pancakes – you know things are bad when they’re giving away thousands of fluffy, syrupy melt in your mouth pancakes to get business. (Does anyone else want to go get some pancakes?) With the recession still here, this means cheaper date options are still a big thing. (Also, I promise I’m not trying to show that I’m smart by throwing ‘BusinessWeek’ in here. Clearly, I’m just your regular floozy who likes guys and booze.)

This one’s for the ladies. I thought, what do guys like besides beer? Naked chicks, strippers, go-go dancers, scantily clad girls, boobs and … I think that covers it. Just about. Oh, and girls with even bigger boobs dancing on other girls on poles.

So I talked to Christine Boyer, owner of Aradia Fitness. Boyer teaches the fine art of pole dancing at Aradia and more recently, in the Hard Rock Reliquary Spa. She gave us these tips for how to give a great pole or lap dance in your own home. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

See anything you like … ladies?

Last week, I checked out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue red carpet at Vanity. Not because I wanted to inferior to other women or because my self-esteem needed to be lowered significantly. No, no. I wanted the free food and drinks at the afterparty. Free vodka and mini grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches and I’ll go just about anywhere.

But before I downed a few freebies topped off with fancy fake glow-in-the-dark Sports Illustrated “ice” cubes, I got a chance to see Maroon 5’s Adam Levine and keyboardist/guitarist Jesse Carmichael, where Levine said that Carmichael actually attracted more ladies. Why?

“His beard! It’s a ladykiller,” he said.

And Levine was right, Carmichael is a very attractive scruffy guy. Which made me wonder, do guys with facial hair outdo guys without? Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

At least these all turned out better than the Kill Bill wedding. We hope.

Ah, Valentine’s Day. An excuse for girlfriends everywhere to demand gifts and get mad when they’re not up to par; and an excellent choice for an evening out at the bars where girls will be sad and desperate. It’s like crashing a wedding without doing the work of finding a wedding and bringing a card to put on someone’s gift, but with all of the gin-soaked, self-loathing chicks.

Valentine’s Day in Vegas is extra special, because with wedding chapels every 100 yards, the prospect for spur-of-the-moment insanity rides higher than anywhere else. Here are a few ridiculous stories of proposals and weddings gone bad … and weird. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Those who ignore red flags are doomed to get gored. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

I don’t care how indecisive women are or how dense men can be – you know when you want to date someone again and when you want to steer clear. If a guy is a jerk to the waitress, he’ll turn that same charm on you. (Or, for certain ladies, it means he isn’t going to leave a tip. You know who you are.) Or if she stares at you with crazy eyes all through dinner like she’s some kind of lizard who never needs to blink and you’re not sure but could probably also breathe underwater, she’s a psychopath. Or a lizard-person from V. Either way.

In the interest of facilitating timely bail-outs, here are four dating red flags that you should be able to spot fairly early on. Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Like most things, this comes back to a Mel Gibson movie. Unlike most things, it isn’t Lethal Weapon.

Guys, women have been telling you for years to pick up on our signals. Signals we think are subtle, and you should be able to pick up … that go right over your head. (Ed. note: For more examples of how dudes and subtlety work, please see Which Way But Loose, Every and Transformers, The.)

Come on guys, you’re just perpetuating the “women are smarter than men” rumor by not knowing that when we stare intently at your face with crazy eyes it means we want to leave and we want to leave now. Or when we are making serious eye contact with you and smiling, it means we want to talk to you. Or when we’re sleeping, don’t wake us up to have sex. We are sleeping, and probably dreaming of another man who is better looking than you. Don’t. Wake. Us. (Ed. note: Just the tip?)

But, I provided a guide for the ladies last week, so here’s a guide for you guys. Hopefully you can remember these phrases before your stuff is out on the front lawn for blowing it: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

Decipher that, Psychoanalysis McDecoderson.

Men and women speak different languages. That’s not new news. (Ed note: Men, it’s proven, speak exclusively Tagalog. This is why we have such a strong interest in Manny Pacquiao fights.) But do you know how to interpret the other’s language? (With a Tagalog-to-English translator?)

Women overanalyze everything. When meeting a new guy, a loop might as well be playing in a woman’s head: Is he into me? (Ed. note: Maybe.) Not into me enough? (Probably.) Am I showing enough cleavage? (No.) Not enough? (Absolutely not.) Did I choose the right food? (Don’t care.) Right drink? Guys think cosmos are sexy, right? (Really don’t care, as long as you’re getting drunk.)

Now, lots of sayings are really easy to decipher (no matter how nice you thought your conversation about your two cats and the time you bought them matching cat sweaters went over dinner, he probably was not actually all that tired when you invited him up), but some can be a little more difficult to get. Or at least, we women in our overanalyzing ways, don’t see it for what it actually means. So in an effort to keep you ladies sane (Ed. note: Good f’ing luck.), allow me to enlighten you on what guys really mean when they say: Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims

For extra spiciness, take your partner to an adult theater in the 1970s.

With the AEE and AVN come and gone this past weekend, it’s time to take a quick look at porn before it fades from everyone’s memories and computer screens. It’s just the residue on the keyboard that lasts a lifetime. (Seriously, get some cleaning wipes or something.)

Porn is a controversial subject, a billion-dollar industry and a guilty pleasure of many. It’s also something that not everyone is down with, whether because they view it as an infidelity, they feel threatened by their significant other watching it, or it makes them feel imperfect compared to “perfect” porn stars. (Ed note: You mean like the one porn star a couple years ago on the AVN red carpet who said she was doing really good because she’d only had a couple STDs in her career?)

Since I’m an avid believer that porn can benefit relationships, I’ll go over all the pros I know of. The cons of this issue just get too moral and are somewhere between “if you watch porn, you’re cheating!” and “why aren’t I enough?” But pay attention and put your insecurities aside. Hollywood is having a tough enough time of it in this economy, and you’d hate to deprive underground, Naked Hollywood their fair share, too, wouldn’t you? Click for more words and pictures »

By Stephanie Sims