Now you know what a liquid diabetic coma looks like.

Analogy time! Gummiberry Juice: Gummi Bears:: Rick’s Forbidden Fruit: Strippers.

It’s Stripperberry Juice.

Take Black Haus blackberry schnapps, watermelon Pucker and pineapple juice in equal parts. Shake and strain that baby into a sugar-rimmed cocktail glass, and garnish with maraschino cherries rolled in sugar. For a flourish, drizzle in some grenadine for an extra layer of, as noted strip-club musical accompaniment Def Leppard said, sticky sweet. (From your head, head to your feet at your own discretion.) Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

It sucks punching a clock, doesn’t it?

Howard Stern … we don’t know. What’s below a sidekick? Flunkie? Toady? Whatever — Howard Stern’s Ronnie the Limo Driver was in town to be a guest presenter at the Adult Nightclubs and Exotic Dancer Awards Show at The Joint inside the Hard Rock Hotel last week. And the fact that we weren’t invited still hurts. It hurts deep inside.

At night, he’s been hanging out at Rick’s Cabaret and going to the pools during the day with strippers. Seriously, you are perfectly within your rights to hate the crap out of that guy for it. Not a court in the land can hold it against you.

By Jason Scavone

We promise he’ll be wearing a shirt during the show. Well, we hope, anyway.

It’s not enough to just have Artie Lange up on stage tomorrow night at The Joint. No, the Howard road show has to dispatch its minions to make sure, we don’t know, Lange doesn’t get lonely or start doing heroin again or something.

Ronnie the Limo Driver will be at Rick’s Cabaret tonight to host — and by “host” we mean hang out with a bunch of strippers. Which, all things considered is a solid gig. We’d take a job on the Stern show watching Howard torture flat-chested girls about getting boob jobs and pretend it’s still funny after 20 years if it meant getting paid to hang out with strippers. Lange will be with him, along with former Miss Howard TV winners Arbor Marie of Las Vegas, Gracie from Miami and Becky of New York.

Tomorrow, they’re hosting the search for the next Miss Howard TV at the Hard Rock Hotel pool and Lange follows with his concert at The Joint. An additional two grand will be dropped on strippers shortly thereafter.

By Jason Scavone

It’ll be like strippers squared. Without the usual surcharge. (Photo by Hew Burney | SpyOnVegas.com)

Rick’s Cabaret and the Hard Rock Hotel will be jointly offering the Rick’s Cabaret Rockstar Suite, which will feature a private dance floor with stripper pole, nightclub lighting and sound and a master bath with a personal spa. All of it will overlook the Hard Rock Beach Club, so you can look down at the off-duty strippers at Rehab while your room reminds you of … more strippers.

By Jason Scavone

Rick’s or Scores, as long as glitter is still being applied to cleavage, everyone’s happy.

The long-running sale of Scores to Rick’s Cabaret is finally concluded, with Rick’s taking over the establishment after a renegotiation of the terms of sale. What does this mean for you, the consumer? In a word: boobs. They’ll continue to be found a-plenty at the venue. Really, what more could anyone ask?

By Jason Scavone

This might happen eventually. Maybe.

With the tentative July 25 changeover date long gone, Rick’s Cabaret has announced that it and the landlord and seller of Scores Las Vegas have settled their differences over the assignment of the property’s lease, which affected the issuance of permits. Closing on the deal is expected within five days of the final permits being issued.

It’s a shame, too, because truckloads of fishnet and glitter shipments have been on hold pending a resolution to this takeover.

By Jason Scavone

This gives everyone a couple more weeks to buy new acrylic, six-inch platform shoes.

After one delay, Scores Las Vegas was supposed to be transferred over to Rick’s Cabaret tomorrow, but now it looks like July 25 will be the new closing date, or within five days of the proper permits being issued. The original deal called for $16 million in cash and a $5 million debenture, but it has been restructured as $12 million in cash, a $5 million debenture and a $4 million promissory note. Which is to say, for every $20 lap dance you get, instead of roughly $5 going toward the debenture, now $10 will go to repaying loans. We’re not factoring the cost of stripper glitter into all this, because we assume it’s a tax write-off.

By Jason Scavone

Soldiering on in the face of uncertain adversity. Because they’re professionals, dammit.

Rick’s Cabaret has pushed back the closing date on its acquisition of Scores Las Vegas to July 2. It was originally scheduled for today. According to a press release, the delay is to allow time for permits to be transferred. Don’t worry, lap dances will still be conducted in the meantime.

By Jason Scavone

Not to be confused with Rick’s Cafe Americain.

Scores Las Vegas will be sold to national adult nightclub operator Rick’s Cabaret for $21 million. If only someone had told us it was for sale, we would’ve held a bake sale or something. It could’ve been the culmination of a dream we’ve had since we were a little tyke.

Closing on the deal is scheduled for June 10, and includes an option for Rick’s to buy the land on which the club sits. Rick’s Cabaret operates 18 clubs nationwide, including 11 in Texas. According to spokesman Allan Priaulx, the club will be rebranded as Rick’s Cabaret Las Vegas sometime shortly after the completion of the sale.

By Jason Scavone