Andy cannot wait to get out to Pahrump for some hookers.

It’s official: The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour is rolling out the gate April 12 in Oregon — and making its way to The Pearl at the Palms by May 1. Sadly, it’s a week after Jay Leno is doing one of his stints at The Mirage, but we’ll take what we can get. Tickets run from $75 to $150. Plus another $20 bucks or so to get a red pompadour wig to wear into the theater. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

Sammy Davis Jr. would not fare well in her front row.

This Valentine’s Day, why don’t you treat your girl to what she really wants? The lights down low, maybe a little Champagne, and a quiet evening of searing public humiliation courtesy of Lisa Lampanelli.

The Queen of Mean (and we really should have asked her if the Leona Helmsley estate ever came after her for the nickname) has three comedy specials, a Grammy-nominated album in Dirty Girl and now a book, Chocolate, Please: My Adventures in Food, Fat, and Freaks. (Incidentally, she’s also a former Rolling Stone copy editor, a fact that always gets mentioned in these writeups because there’s nothing journalists love more than holding up former journalists as a model of success. It’s how we remind ourselves that we might have merit as a profession. Hunter S. Thompson got paid to write articles! Just like us! Kind of. Except better and smarter.)

Lampanelli performs at The Pearl inside the Palms Saturday at 8 p.m., the night before Valentine’s Day. Tickets are $49.75. We talked to her about her pending nuptials to a freakishly large-sacked man, why she’s waiting for Don Rickles to die and how even an insult comic has to still worry about what her mom thinks of Andrew Dice Clay. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

The Hedgehog, porns lovable, freakishly-donged mascot. (Photos by Scott Harrison | Retna)

It was a push, so at least if you went heavy, you got your money back, but The Sex Files tied with Not The Cosbys XXX for the AVN Award in Best Parody. Although clearly, The Sex Files should’ve won on the punny name alone. Gillian Anderson, wherever she is, should be proud.

There were dozens of awards at the AVN’s first go-around at The Pearl inside the Palms Saturday night, with Tori Black taking home Female Performer of the Year — so plan your downloading habits accordingly. The red carpet was filled with boob-popping, fetish-gear-wearing, Margaret Cho-slave-leading goodness (and Evan Stone dressed like a pirate for the second year in a row).

Dave Attell, who was co-hosting with Cho, said he might not have done enough to prepare himself to recap the year in porn. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

Jesse Jane appears to be stoked. (Photo by Scott Harrison | Retna)

Well, tonight’s the big night — the AVN Awards are at The Pearl inside the Palms for your more-or-less once a year to see that rarest of all birds: Porn stars in evening wear. But, in all fairness, probably just for the start of the evening. By the time it rolls around to after-afterparty hours, all those clothes are getting scattered hither and yon in the finest, housekeeping’s-nightmare-when-the-see-what-happend-the-next-dayiest hotel rooms Vegas has to offer. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

Dapper, but not MONOCLE dapper. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Apparently 2009 wasn’t enough gentleman-ness for Ne-Yo, who channeled his inner Michael Jackson Friday in front of the home crowd at The Pearl inside the Palms with a cover of MJ’s “Off the Wall.” He’s just making sure 2010 starts off with as much fedora-capped gentleman-osity as possible. The night before, Ne-Yo hosted the New Year’s Eve party at XS, which was also home to Nicky Hilton, boyfriend David Katzenberg and poker pro David Williams. Tryst, meanwhile, got Dreamgirls actor Keith Robinson.

By Jason Scavone

She’s going to get ones that shoot lasers, and then we’re all screwed. (Photo by Eric Ita | SpyOnVegas.com)

Thank Christ someone’s finally doing something about getting “Poker Face” played in this town. Lady Gaga does the first of two nights tonight at The Pearl inside the Palms. Kid Cudi, the scheduled opener, won’t be performing. That’s OK, though, because you’re probably too busy putting together you’re best pants-less outfit for The Gaga Wars tonight at The Bank inside Bellagio, where the best Gaga outfit will win $2,000. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

Nothing good ever comes from a bald guy with a full beard. (Photos by Edison Graff)

The Ultimate Fighter 10 had its season finale at The Pearl inside the Palms Friday night, headlined by Kimbo Slice winning a unanimous decision over Houston Alexander, and, for old time’s sake, a homeless dude who wandered a little too close to the cage.

Getting a little Slice in their lives were Tito Ortiz and Jenna Jameson, Hulk Hogan, Jason “The Older Brother from The Wonder Years” Hervey, Yanks hurler Joba Chamberlain and fighters Joe Daddy Stevenson, Kendall Grove and Forrest Griffin.

Roy “Big Country” Nelson, may be our new favorite MMA fighter ever after entering the ring to “Weird” Al Yankovic’s “Fat” before knocking out Brendan Schaub to win the heavyweight title. Matt Hamill, who won over Joe Jones via disqualification in the first round, did his afterparty at Blush inside Wynn Las Vegas.

By Jason Scavone

Well, we DO love zombies.

With their tanks and their bombs and their bombs and their guns and their guns and their swords and their swords and their clubs and their clubs and their slightly heavy rocks that could hurt quite a bit if you catch a person just so … oh, hey look, The Cranberries are back together and they’re at The Pearl inside the Palms tonight. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

Dr. Love is learning to study geriatrics. (Photos by Erik Kabik)

The image we always keep fresh in our head when talking about KISS (aside from the KISS Kasket) is Paul Stanley, sprawled in bed with a bunch of models, explaining how rock ‘n’ roll comes from the crotch. Of all the crotch-related arts, it’s clearly our favorite.

Stanley and his partner-in-licensing, Gene Simmons were at The Pearl inside the Palms Saturday night to lead off with “Deuce,” “Strutter” and “Let Me Go Rock and Roll” before pounding through their set with Poor Man’s Peter Criss and Pretend Ace Frehly until closing with “Rock and Roll All Night,” “Shout It Out Loud,” “Love Gun” and “Detroit Rock City.”

The show, incidentally, was billed as KISS Alive 35. Everyone bags on the Stones for still touring and looking so old, but no one ever says anything about Gene and Paul. Give them credit for this: If Keith Richards were wearing three pounds of pancake makeup, no one would be able to tell he was a Telecaster-playing zombie.

By Jason Scavone

Gene Simmons is thinking about ways to sell you KISS-branded toilet brushes right now.

You wanted the best and now you got ‘em — unfortunately, that comes with Peter Criss, too. Or at least “Beth.” Neither Criss nor Ace Frehly tour with the band anymore, but current drummer Eric Thayer still wears the cat makeup, which is basically the most humiliating thing we’ve ever heard someone willingly submit to. And we’ve seen I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.. Anyway, KISS is with Buckcherry at The Pearl tonight to rock and roll some of the night and party a moderate amount of the day. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone