No, seriously, he wants you to think about your new religion.

Preacher of the Gospel of Hip-Hop, KRS-One, turns up tonight at Diablo’s Cantina inside the Monte Carlo with R’n'R and Gwap Team. For only $15, too, which may be the concert bargain of the year in Vegas. It’s also just a week after Public Enemy was here, so maybe there’s some kind of concerted effort going on to turn Vegas into a hotbed of culturally critical hip-hop? No, no wait. Who are we kidding? Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

We always wanted to be a Teamster. So lazy and surly.

Monte Carlo’s Brand revives one of MTV’s finest traditions. No, not Dan Cortes. Tonight the do Unplugged, going to local rockers Lazystars in for a little acoustic jam to go with your steak and Martini. And really, is there anything that doesn’t go with a steak and a Martini? Meanwhile, across property, Diablo’s Cantina has Rock & Rolla Wednesday. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

They have great scooter parking.

D.Vino at Monte Carlo is diving right into things after opening last week with SpyOnVegas.com’s Fude tomorrow night from 6 to 9 p.m. For $38 per person you get your choice of pasta: gnocchi or truffle-infused papparadelle in a mushroom ragout; crispy skin salmon in caper butter, boneless pork ribs in a balsamic glaze, or risotto di mare with shrimp, clams, mussels and calamari; and for dessert, lemon polenta cake or rosemary vanilla ice cream. That all comes with a Kai vodka open bar. Hit up your RSVP here.

By Jason Scavone

We thought you’d appreciate this more than solo Caliendo. (Photos by Scott Harrison. Additional photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Frank Caliendo kicked off his new show at Monte Carlo — the start of his 10-year run — with guest spots for Louie Anderson, Carrot Top and Terry Fator during the show. So, basically, MGM pressed every comic they have under contract into service. This is like when NBC made Jerry Seinfeld go hang out with Paul Rieser on an epsiode of Mad About You. They weren’t the only Strip headliners to come over to the premiere. George Wallace, Angelica Bridges of Fantasy, Rick Faugno of Jersey Boys and Kristen Hertzenberg of Phantom, plus Sugar Shane Mosley and UFC fighters Frank Mir and Stephan Bonnar all turned out.

By Jason Scavone

Wouldn’t it just have been cheaper to get actual John Madden?

Frank Caliendo, late of Mad TV and failed TBS … sitcom? sketch show? whatever … Frank TV — and who we noticed on our jaunt to Upstate New York is headlining Turning Stone Casino in glamorous Verona, N.Y., Sunday night — has signed a deal to be at the Monte Carlo for the next 10 years.

Jesus, that John Madden impression will be fresh as a goddamn daisy in 2019. And really? Really, Vegas? Another impressionist? Is the Danny Gans-shaped hole in our collective heart really aching to be filled that badly?

As long as we can keep our streak alive of only signing the safest, lowest-common-denominator comedians to be our long-term headliners, there’s no way Branson, Mo., will ever catch up. Who down there will deliver barely adequate impersonations of Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson and Bill Clinton? Lee Greenwood? Yakov Smirnoff? Any hack comic who’s ever worked on voices in the last 20 years? Oh, ho, we think not. (For bonus points, Caliendo can work on his Yakov. Suck it Branson! Suck it hard!)

Tickets start at $59 and shows are Monday, Tuesday, Friday and Saturday. Show starts Oct. 12. May God have mercy on our souls.

By Jason Scavone

We spread those rose petals just for you, ladies.

Hotel 32 had its grand coming out party atop the Monte Carlo today, even though they’ve been open since early this month. Though taking down the “It has been [19] months since you would have been on fire standing here” sign was probably good for business, it does show an appalling lack of humor.

Probably the shiniest new feature for the boutique hotel (other than the not being on fire) was an iPhone app that allows guests to check in or out, call room service, send for towels, book restaurant reservations and, presumably, summon a digital Hunter S. Thompson to custom trash your suite. Although it’s on property only, so you can’t send anyone on errands for fresh towels just by downloading it from the iTunes Store.

Everyone who checks in — with a Suite Assistant who leads you up a private elevator to your room — gets a branded iPod Touch to easier facilitate doing away with all that messy human interaction. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

This was just … pre-renovations. Yeah, that’s it! Pre-renovations!

Hotel 32, the top-level boutique suites that are replacing the previous smoking friendly, carbon-enhanced suites atop the Monte Carlo, will open Monday. They’re taking reservations through May 2010. We suggest you book under Clark County Fire Department just to see what the girl at the desk says.

By Jason Scavone

Someone in this picture is going to make a Martini disappear. (Photos by Scott Harrison | Retna)

Magician Lance Burton — no, make that Master Magician Lance Burton — will be staying at the Monte Carlo through 2015 as part of a six-year contract renewal announced today at the casino he’s been a part of since its opening. Monte Carlo President and COO Anton Nikodemus was at the announcement this afternoon along with Mayor Oscar Goodman, who presented Burton with a proclamation naming July 7 Lance Burton Day.

The proclamation reads: “Whereas; the grand illusion of legendary Master Magician Lance Burton will continue to captivate and enchant audiences at Monte Carlo through 2015; and Whereas; the signing of the new agreement comes at the completion of an already legendary 13-year run, which began the day the resort opened on June 21, 1996; and Whereas; Lance Burton has been chosen as Las Vegas’ ‘Best Magician’ for the past 11 years in a row in the Review-Journal’s ‘Best of Las Vegas’ poll; and Whereas; the addition of six more years celebrates one of the longest partnerships in the history of Las Vegas entertainment; and Whereas; the new agreement promises Monte Carlo guests almost two decades of astounding performances and mesmerizing sleight-of-hand; now Therefore; I, the Mayor of Las Vegas, County of Clark, State of Nevada, hereby proudly proclaim July 7th to be Lance Burton Day in the city of Las Vegas.”

First of all, it’s nice to see anyone breaking out Declaration of Independence language for anything. Second, that naming July 7 Lance Burton Day kind of put hizzonner on a little proclaiming spree. He proclaimed Burton’s air cast on his right foot to be the most important medical device of the month. Then he declared that the mayoral cat, Mr. Fluffybottom, was the softest kitty in all the land. Finally, he officially proclaimed that Marie Osmond had the flyest booty on all the Las Vegas Strip.

By Jason Scavone

You remember that time Johnny Cash went on tour with those three Colonels Sanders, right?

Slotted in during Viva Las Vegas weekend is Johnny Cash tribute band Cash’d Out, doing sets tonight and tomorrow night at Diablo’s Cantina inside the Monte Carlo. It’s kind of a bummer, though. We’re not sure the concert experience will really be the same, as Diablo’s doesn’t have the same je ne sais quoi as a federal penitentiary. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

And then he turned them all into doves, like in The Prestige. No, wait. Bad example. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Here’s the proof you’ve been waiting for when we told you the Miss USA contestants went to check out Lance Burton at the Monte Carlo last night. Plus, here are more pics of the gals dancing. Because we know what you want to see: Girls shaking their tiaras.

By Jason Scavone