Take … what little of it you have, off. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Miss USA Rima Fakih was pumping the Aug. 23 Miss Universe Pageant at Mandalay Bay last week and blah, blah, blah — Rima Fakih in a bikini at Mandalay Bay Beach. This actually speaks volumes to how they should conduct the Miss Universe pageant. Does anyone need to see the same, tired parade on stage? No. Put them out at the pool and make them frolic for their title.

By Jason Scavone

That’s a serious tiara that requires two handlers. (Photos by Scott Harrison | Retna)

This Miss USA 2010 Rima Fakih. And here’s Miss USA 2010 Rima Fakih in a Stripper 101 contest for a morning radio show in Dearborn, Mich. This is, by any standard, completely awesome.

Not only should Miss USA turn to a strip-off to determine who the winner is, strip clubs all over the country should seize on this as an opportunity to promote themselves as “Possible Home of Next Year’s Miss USA.” It even has a patriotic ring to it. That’s right, we’re going to strip clubs because we love America. Try and stop us, if you’re some kind of terrorist.

There were a bunch of people at last night’s pageant at Planet Hollywood like Donald Trump, Joan Rivers, Paula Deen and Oscar Nunez, but none of those people were in pole dancing competitions in Michigan or anywhere else in the last couple of years, so we’re not sure why we’re even talking about them.

Miss USA 2008 Crystle Stewart hosted the preparty Saturday at Blush inside Wynn Las Vegas, where Entourage’s Kevin Connolly turned up around 3 a.m., the Jets’ Wayne Chrebet was with a crew of six and Twitter CEO Evan Williams was drinking Champagne until 2:30 a.m. So that’s where your Tweets are going.

By Jason Scavone

Proof that CO2 cartridges make everything better. (Photos by Scott Harrison | Retna)

The Sugar Factory put out a limited-edition Miss USA Couture Pop — pink for breast cancer awareness — and brought in the current Miss USA, Kristen Dalton to show it off yesterday at the Miracle Mile location. This year’s Miss USA will be picked at Planet Hollywood May 16. The hopefuls made a pilgrimage to the Monte Carlo outpost of The Cupcakery, where all 10 of the girls who visited got a cupcake with their picture on it. In a related story, the Miss USA contest is now being sponsored by the American Diabetes Association.

By Jason Scavone

Future Carnival Cruise spokeswoman. (Photo by Scott Harrison. Additional photos by Harrison, Erik Kabik | Retna)

Miss USA Kristen Dalton made two stops in town yesterday. One at the Nevada Cancer Institute, the other at Margaritaville inside The Flamingo. So, more or less the same place.

At the Cancer Institute, Dalton toured the facilities with Dr. Karen Milligan — with whom she shares a hometown of Wilmington, N.C., and alma mater of Eastern Carolina University — visiting the library, exam room, exercise room and the infusion suite while also meeting patients undergoing chemotherapy.

At Margaritaville, she ate nachos. Man, nachos are pretty awesome.

By Jason Scavone

This is why you always stay on Trump’s good side. (Via MissUniverse.com)

Miss California has been fired. Carrie Prejean got the ax reportedly for making the rounds after her Miss USA pageant Perez Hilton-induced controversy which led to breach of contract. How do you get yourself fired from a job that doesn’t actually exist? Prejean doesn’t have to clock in at an office. She’s not on the docks offloading a freighter. She occasionally has to turn up to pageant-related functions. No matter how much you think you’re important based off of some kind of fleeting turn in the limelight, how do you mess up an ostensibly paying gig to moonlight as the national spokeswoman for opposite marriage?

By Jason Scavone

She’s like Tom Petty. (Via MissUniverse.com)

Miss California Carrie Prejean said she wouldn’t change her answer to Perez Hilton’s same-sex marriage question even though she believes it cost her the Miss USA crown Sunday night at Planet Hollywood Resort.

I did not want to offend anybody, but I think with that question specifically, it’s not about being politically correct, for me it was being biblically correct.”

So now she’s supposed to be some kind of lightning rod for controversy, but she’s also the same person who called heterosexual marriage “opposite marriage,” so we’re not sure why anyone is paying any more attention to what she has to say than you would a 4-year-old talking about why they think the economy sucks. Just pat her on the head, maybe buy her some gum, and keep moving. This is like worrying that Mr. Knickers the cocker spaniel lost out at the Westminster Dog Show for his hardline stance against Purina Puppy Chow.

By Jason Scavone

‘Who? Li’l ole me?’ (Photos by Scott Harrison | Retna)

Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton (our favorite of the Carolinas, but don’t tell South Carolina that) took the tiara as Miss USA 2009 last night at Planet Hollywood Resort, perhaps edging out Miss California Carrie Prejean on the strength of her flat-footed answer to Perez Hilton’s same-sex marriage question. Or maybe not. Maybe she just wasn’t as talented as Miss North Carolina. Those are the scores that matter, right?

Coming in last for the sixth straight year was Miss Delaware, Ru-Paul.

By Jason Scavone

And then he turned them all into doves, like in The Prestige. No, wait. Bad example. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Here’s the proof you’ve been waiting for when we told you the Miss USA contestants went to check out Lance Burton at the Monte Carlo last night. Plus, here are more pics of the gals dancing. Because we know what you want to see: Girls shaking their tiaras.

By Jason Scavone

Groove-thang shaking is replacing the evening wear competition. (Photos by Shelly Cook)

Diablo’s Cantina got a dose of Miss USA last night when 35 of the contestants dropped in at the Monte Carlo joint where they surprised Miss Missouri, Stacey Smith, with a 40-ounce banana split for her 23rd birthday. Sure, it was a “nice gift” for her birthday. Or it was an evil act of sabotage before the swimsuit competition. After Diablo’s they went to check out Lance Burton.

By Jason Scavone

It’s like they’re all winner on The Bachelor. (Photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Miss USA will be decided April 19 at Planet Hollywood Resort, but that doesn’t mean the vast horde of contestants hasn’t started to run amok in town under a torrent of destruction and wanton terror. Or, you know, they’re doing appearances at the Buca di Beppo and stuff.

Four of the girls got to town early: Miss Pennsylvania Lindsey Nelsen, Miss North Carolina Kristen Dalton, Miss Connecticut Monica Pietrzak and Miss Michigan Lindsey Tycholiz. They were representing the states whose teams were in the Final Four Friday night at the Basketball Hall of Fame’s Hoop Hall Experience at Planet Hollywood. We can’t confirm how much taunting Miss Connecticut and Miss Pennsylvania had to endure.

Miss USA 2008, Crystle Stewart, was with several of the girls — including Miss Nevada Georgina Vaughan — visited cancer patients and families at the Nevada Cancer Institute’s Bottles of Hope event on Saturday, the first full day of Miss USA activities. Bottles of Hope is a monthly support activity that allows patients, family and friends to create polymer-covered chemo bottles that hold an inspirational message for newly diagnosed patients. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone