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    Needs more Hot 100-style bikinis. (Photos by Erik Kabik)

    We’re not exactly sure why pageants ever bother with any other part of the affairs other than the bikini and evening gown competitions. (And really, you could probably even pare that down, but we suppose it’s fine to take a nod to keeping things classy.)

    Last night, the Miss USA girls did the heavy lifting at Planet Hollywood, where they did the prelims. That’s Miss Nevada Chelsea Caswell showing a Jolie-esque amount of leg. We know how to do it up in these parts.

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    New idea! Miss USA baseball cards. Pageant cards. Whatever. (Photos by Erik Kabik)

    With the Miss USA contest returning to Planet Hollywood on Sunday, which means we get a whole week of beauty pageant gals just hanging around, going from venue to venue to venue. Occasionally in bikinis. So there’s that, which is delightful.

    For starters, though, the girls were at Chinese Laundry at Fashion Show yesterday. Not in bikinis though, so all in all we’d say the whole thing could’ve gone better.

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    She probably still plays the “she’s just jealous” card when other girls get mad at her. (Photo by Erik Kabik)

    Miss Pennsylvania Sheena Monnin was calling the Miss USA pageant rigged right from the start, a leaked text reveals. (Hmm — wonder who that leak could have come from. All that picture is missing is “Donald Trump’s iPhone” with a big red MS Paint “X” through it.) Right after the Top 16 was announced, she texted an official that Miss Colorado and Miss South Carolina were too ugly to make it that far. Pageant girls sound like they’re fun to be around.


    Why don’t all psychologists look like this? (Photo by Erik Kabik)

    Donald Trump is gearing up to sue Sheena Monnin, Miss Pennsylvania, for defamation after the pagaenteer said the game was rigged. But it’s cool, you guys, because she has “many years of psychological training.” So, you know, that’ll stand up in court.

    She claims she could tell Miss Florida was being serious when she told Miss Penn she saw the final five names before the show went to air. A Miss Florida, by the way, who now says she was joking. Was she? Or is she in on the cover up? Nah, we’re just kidding. No one actually cares either way.


    God forbid this 27-year-old have some vodka. (Photo by Erik Kabik)

    So, concern-trolling TMZ threw up a picture of Miss Michigan, 27-year-old Kristen Danyal, hitting the bottle at the official Miss USA afterparty at Lavo. And instead of being all “oh, hey, yeah, I did do some shots right from the bottle” or better yet, saying nothing, Danyal doubled back and said the photo was staged and she doesn’t drink at all.

    We really need to start throwing a Miss Trashy USA pageant, where one of the categories is “Marion Ravenwood-esque shots contest. In bikinis.” Everyone’s a winner, really.


    Omar could’ve told you that. (Photo by Erik Kabik)

    The pageant game is a cutthroat business. Apparently Miss Pennsylvania, first unhappy that transgendered ladies would be allowed in the contest, is now saying the whole thing is fixed. Sheena Monnin says another contestant knew the names of the top five finishers Sunday morning, hours before the pageant aired on TV. Everyone involved is, predictably, jumping on Monnin’s transgender stance and trying to make that the play. Yet Trump, with typical Trumposity, is taking it all one step further, saying, “I don’t think that she had an issue with that. I think her primary issue is that she lost and she’s angry about losing. And frankly, in my opinion, I saw her barely a second and she didn’t deserve to be in the top 15.” Well-played, Donald. (more…)


    When we have our bare midriff beauty pageant, Miss Iowa will be a finalist.

    VooDoo saw 20 Miss USA hopefuls come to the Rio’s roof Sunday night, where they cavorted. We believe that’s one of the few times it’s technically correct to actually use the word “cavort” without it referring to some kind of adorable woodland creatures, actually. So. There you go. Enjoy it while you can.


    Well played, Jerry. (Photos by Jim Laurie| Erik Kabik Photography)

    The Miss USA dames were out in front of Planet Hollywood yesterday for a handprint ceremony, which isn’t the body part we’d necessarily choose to have a bunch of beauty pageant contestants imprint, but, whatever.

    Jerry Springer hosted and current Miss USA Alyssa Campanella dipped her hands in cement, to commemorate her reign. Springer also turned up for the waning days of Viva Elvis last night, saying he wished the show was 30 minutes longer. Probably to really explore the secrets of Elvis’ heretofore unknown baby mamas.


    Needs less one-pieces. (Photos by Erik Kabik)

    Hey look! It’s the best part of any beauty pageant: Girls hanging out in bikinis.

    The Miss USA girls were at Trump International yesterday for a bikini fashion show. Because any other kind of fashion show is highly irrelevant. BMX rider Ricardo Laguna was with them. It’s nice that we now know who the absolute smartest BMX rider is. Don’t see any other BMX riders there, do you? They’re all probably off wasting their time by practicing jumps and flips.


    A woman who can win a beauty contest AND mix drinks? Let us just grab our tux. (Photos by Erik Kabik)

    Miss USA goes down June 3 at Planet Hollywood. And to get things started with the two-week runup to the pageant, the 51 contestants plus reigning Miss USA Alyssa Campanella, started things off at Martorano’s, where the latter jumped up in the DJ booth to dance as Steve Martorano spun, and it kicked off a whole beauty queen dance party.

    (Had Cee-Lo Green timed it right, he could’ve got in on that action — he was at Martorano’s for dinner, too.)

    The girls were also at the Margaritaville Casino, where they got a lesson in flair bartending. Which really needs to be in the talent competition of the pageant. The gals will be at Sugar Factory and Chinese Laundry in the Miracle Mile today.