Quake at our mighty … scrubbrush and threatening signs, conspiracy theorists!

Everyone loves return on investment. Oren Peli’s having a pretty good go at that with his $15,000 Blair Witch-y Paranormal Activities having already scooped up more than $9 million at the box office. It’s no Couples Retreat, but it’ll do.

Peli is shooting his next flick, Area 51 Thursday night at Dixie’s Dam Bar inside Hooters Casino. Just a part of it, we assume. Unless the whole thing is about a wisecracking alien who tends bar at a Vegas casino. Actually, we’re pretty sure if we went to a studio with the pitch “It’s like Alf meets Cheers” we could get a development deal. Actually, pretend you didn’t just read that. We, uh, we have to go. To L.A. For a meeting. Don’t worry about what it’s for, just shoo.

Peli and the rest of his crew will be there at 9 p.m. The sassy, drink-slinging, joke-cracking extraterrestrial mixologist turns up shortly thereafter. But this is your chance to get in the crowd and get yourself on the big screen. True story: We know someone who knows someone who played the bartender in the house party scene in Weekend at Bernie’s. This could be your chance to be like that guy — part of film history.

By Jason Scavone

(Photo by Al Powers | SpyOnVegas.com)

Aw, man, once you get bat ladies up in the rafters it’s like, impossible to get them down. You have to call an exterminator, or play Lady GaGa really loud.

By Jason Scavone

(Photo by Al Powers | SpyOnVegas.com)

When preparing one’s napkin man-bra bit, perhaps it’s best to consider the height of one’s shorts vis-a-vis one’s giant surgery scar.

By Jason Scavone

(Photo by Al Powers | SpyOnVegas.com)

You really do never know when a showing of Jaws 3 is going to break out.

By Jason Scavone

That’s right. They’re doing this for America.

Dixie’s Dam Bar, which started life as Dixie’s Dam Country Bar in May, has finished its changeover at Hooter’s Casino, trading line dances for the mosh pit. Well, in theory anyway.

Jumping on the rock bandwagon that Wasted Space and Rok Vegas got rolling, Dixie’s has positioned itself as a rock bar with all the attitude that’s supposed to entail. Girls in bras and leather pants dance on the bar or on smaller stages to the side while pouring liquor straight into your greedy mouth. On the main bar, they use a pole mounted parallel to the bar to do tricks — like a set of hot, sweaty monkey bars. Bartenders get hostile with patrons while they dance behind the counter and jump on the mic to hype the crowd. Click for more words and pictures »

By Jason Scavone

They need to start a ‘Buy our shirts or get punched’ ad campaign. (Photo by Hew Burney. Additional photos by Erik Kabik | Retna)

Tito Ortiz, already in the silkscreened T-shirt game with Punishment, pressed the brand by opening the Punishment MMA Las Vegas store at Hooters Casino Friday. Ortiz was on hand on Saturday to sign autographs. Maybe we’re weird, but between Punishment and Affliction, we’d prefer not to wear clothes that threaten to leave us battered and diseased. Someone needs to start “Doesn’t Look Too Bad” and “This Really Isn’t Scratchy” clothing lines.

By Jason Scavone

We like to lure our filet mignon into a false sense of security. Keeps it tender.

Dixie’s Dam Country bar opens tomorrow night at Hooters Casino, but not before 10 orange-spotted cows hitchike their way here from Los Angeles. Although several cows ran into stormy weather on the way out, officials estimate that five or six will make it to the casino by 3 p.m. for the kickoff of the joint’s grand opening weekend where they’ll be entertained by Miss Hooters International 2006 Michelle Nunes and members of Hooters Rack Pack, which we’re fairly certain is just Peter Lawford in a bikini top.

Country singer Joe Diffie performs tomorrow night at 8 p.m., and tickets are available through advance purchase only. The bar will be open at 7 p.m. Wednesdays through Saturdays and feature live music and DJs. Although this week you have an extra day to scope things out as it’s open Sunday so, you know, your cow costume won’t go entirely to waste. Seriously, chicks totally dig that thing. Don’t be embarrassed to wear it at all.

By Jason Scavone