It’s basically a tragedy on par with the Dust Bowl of the ’30s.

Hugh Hefner does his part to confirm his split with Holly Madison, saying when the news came, he was “road kill a couple of weeks ago” according to Us Magazine. But, the fact that he had a couple of 19-year-old twins move in probably goes a long way toward salving that wound. It took his assistant to point out there are girls lined up outside the mansion gates. Ever the silver-lining gal, that one.

Kendra Wilkinson, meanwhile, talks about having cyber sex with Hank Baskett and says there are “random-ass hoes” walking around the mansion. Huh. Random hoes wandering the Playboy Mansion. That’s really tragic. That’s just not the Playboy Mansion we all know and love.

By Jason Scavone

Holly’s back on the market, Paul Oakenfold. Your move.

Well, it sounds pretty official now. Holly Madison confirms that she and Hef are no longer together in a TMZ video. She’s reported to have pulled the trigger on the relationship, has a condo in Santa Monica and left poor Hugh Hefner to fend for himself amid the thousands of other girls that come through the Mansion on a yearly basis. Guess those tumbling stock prices are worse than feared, and it was time to hit the road.

By Jason Scavone

This is not a man who worries about blondes running around with Joe Francis.

The waters of the grotto are roiling once again as now there’s a report on one hand that Kendra Wilkinson was making out with Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild fame last night in Miami, and on the other that Hugh Hefner is all emotional on the breakdown of his domestic arm-candy situation.

Yes, it must be tragic for the old boy to have to trade out 20-somethings every couple of years because they’re more interested in the guy who pioneered the milieu of “show us your boobs for a T-shirt,” but somehow, we think he’ll manage.

By Jason Scavone

Bridget is set to go down as the “weirdly loyal one.”

Over at WWTDD, they have the rundown on the latest on the future of Girls Next Door and the future ain’t looking so bright for the current lineup. Among other things:

The sixth season will be the last for Girls Next Door. Hef has made the decision to end the show and his relationship with Kendra and Bridgett. He and Holly are still together, for now. Season 5 will be the last with the three original girlfriends. Season 6 will focus on finding replacements, maybe two, maybe three.

Kendra is absolutely engaged to Hank Baskett. She has to deny it publicly for the sake of the show but in reality Hef knows and is fine with it.

Bridgett really has not had sex in three years. She is dating someone but they have not slept together. It’s not clear why, maybe a lingering sense of loyalty to Hef. He would not care if she did.

Hef is with Holly, Holly is with Hef. For now. They have made no decision about their future. He can’t marry her but they have tried to have kids, so far unsuccessfully. She is not sleeping with Criss Angel. She does like spending time with Criss, but she also like spending time with Dave LaChapelle and other flamboyant gay guys. Feel free to reread that last sentence and draw your own conclusions.”

Of course, the Post disputes Bridget’s loyalty. Even worse, according to the Telegraph, Hef’s facing some serious financial woes. Look, Hef, buddy, we know things are tight, so if you need a place to crash, we’ve got a cot in the FiascoCave you can use. We’ll even let you conduct photo shoots in the corner. We’re here for you, pal.

By Jason Scavone

Three girls living together might turn into a lot of backstabbing? Huh. Who knew?

It’s been bandied about for weeks that Holly Madison might be hooking up with magician Criss Angel. Hugh Hefner stepped up to quash those rumors days ago, but came out swinging even harder today.

She is still my girlfriend,” (Hefner) tells Usmagazine.com in a new interview. “Now will that last? I don’t think anything lasts forever.

“I love her very much, but you know, she wants very much to get married and have children. That isn’t very much in the cards for me,” he adds. “So there has to be a certain reality there. And I’m sure the time will come when she’ll be dating others. That’s part of the transition.”

That’s all well and good, but now there’s a report that Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to Philadelphia Eagles wideout Hank Baskett. The same source says Bridget Marquardt is also only along for the ride, and that her and Kendra have helped push the Madison/Angel rumors out into the public.

To all of this we can only say: Really? The Eagles? Come on, Kendra. At least it’s not the Cowboys, but do you really have to slum it with the shame of the NFC?

By Jason Scavone

We’re pretty sure the girls we grew up with next door were nothing like this.

Rain inside The Palms was all about variety Friday night. You had your choice of eye-catching diversions: A bondage model, the triple threat of three blondes with their own reality show, or 2,800 hard-charging partygoers, many of whom were Playboy hopefuls, as the Girls Next Door hosted a Bachelorette Bash for Stacy Burke.

Kendra Wilkinson, Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt rolled into Rain all in black, no doubt to mourn another bondage girl being made an honest woman. It’s a story as old as time, really.

In-between rounds of photos with fans, the girls found time to get up on stage and sing along with Snoop tunes, leaving Hef alone in the Mansion complaining bitterly that back in his day, it would’ve been Ava Gardner up there crooning along with Dean Martin. OK, chances are Hef doesn’t have a whole lot to complain about, actually.

By Jason Scavone

The bridal veil will feature a ball gag.

You know how half the bachelorette parties you see all do the same stupid stuff, with the same goofy penis-shaped props? Yeah. This will be nothing like that.

Holly Madison, Bridget Marquardt and Kendra Wilkinson, better known as E!’s Girls Next Door, and even better known as those three broads Hef keeps around to ensure the blonde quotient at the Mansion never dips too low, will be throwing a Bachelorette Bash for bondage model Stacy Burke at Rain inside The Palms tomorrow night.

Women will be treated to free champagne until 1 a.m. Customary drunken dancing in a circle to “I Will Survive” is expected to start at 1:30 a.m.

By Jason Scavone