Just the essentials: Goofy hat. Bow tie. Beer. Pug dog.

With days of heavy drinking (I realize today is a Wednesday — I hope that doesn’t stop most of you), you have to be prepared for anything that can happen. Everyone has blacked out at least once, and during that time, the awesomest things in your life happened. If you could just remember those secrets you discovered, you’d probably be wildly popular and fantastically wealthy right now. That’s why we drink. To return to that state of excellence.

The life lessons I’ve learned from St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago are lessons that will stay with me forever: $5 and begging and pleading will get the nice South Side parade shuttle driver to pull over the entire bus for a girl to pee; taking a Vicodin for a headache after drinking all day is not smart (and on that same note, it’s really awkward to throw up in the girl’s bathroom sink when the line is out the door and the girls have nowhere else to look but at you, vomiting); and I might want to cut back on drinking a tad if my mother calls every St. Patrick’s Day morning to tell me not to get so drunk and fall in the Chicago River and die. She’d be very sad if that happened. But, this is a plus to moving to the desert — that risk is long gone. (Ed. note: Unless you have a predilection for buying Southwest tickets while blacked out. In which case, game on!)

The lesson I’m passing on to readers today: If you throw up in a sink – or anywhere – today, be prepared. Carry these survival essentials for whatever the Irish throw your way today. Probably snakes. Those dudes seriously, seriously hate snakes:

• Tylenol, Aleve, Advil or Excedrin: Really, anything but Vicodin. No, “Percocet” doesn’t count as “Anything but Vicodin.” Spirit of the law, not the letter.
• Mints, gum, or those tiny Wisp toothbrushes that have toothpaste in them: If you throw up once or twice, you can disguise it. Unless you splatter it all over your pants. Bring a Tide pen, too. And don’t forget to keep drinking beer, it settles the stomach.
• Stomach settling meds: See “beer.”
• Hair ties: OK, so most of these survival necessities are for prevention of, and how to handle, vomit. Hey, I learned the hard way: Be prepared. Alternately, you can con some dude who’s trying to bone you into human hair tie duty. It’s remarkable how undeterred most guys are after a few Altoids and several more Car Bombs. Remember girls, the chick who boots and rallies is infinitely cooler than the one who passes out after two Guinnesses.
• Flask: Back-up whiskey is the most delicious whiskey of them all.
• Lucky Charms cereal: It’s Irish and it’s sustenance. You might get hungry after the sixth bar and there might not be a Taco Bell around. Other applications: Throwing it at other people in the bar to get them to move away from you, or possibly start a brawl; leaving a trail for your posse to find you if you get split up; and leaving the marshmallow stars as tips for bartenders. If the Taco Bell is open, however, please substitute “tacos” for all instances of “Lucky Charms.”
• Small camping chairs: I scoffed at this idea, but my friend Jenny has a point: “They’re great for resting between stops, to sit in if the lines outside the bars are long, and to park it and people watch. Everyone will wish they had the idea.” Just get the cheap one. The chances of forgetting it halfway through the night are roughly 100 percent. Also, the chair will be covered in Lucky Charms by your third stop. Or tacos.

  Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

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