See anything you like … ladies?

Last week, I checked out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue red carpet at Vanity. Not because I wanted to inferior to other women or because my self-esteem needed to be lowered significantly. No, no. I wanted the free food and drinks at the afterparty. Free vodka and mini grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches and I’ll go just about anywhere.

But before I downed a few freebies topped off with fancy fake glow-in-the-dark Sports Illustrated “ice” cubes, I got a chance to see Maroon 5′s Adam Levine and keyboardist/guitarist Jesse Carmichael, where Levine said that Carmichael actually attracted more ladies. Why?

“His beard! It’s a ladykiller,” he said.

And Levine was right, Carmichael is a very attractive scruffy guy. Which made me wonder, do guys with facial hair outdo guys without?

There’s a bit of truth to this. For example, a friend of mine recently grew a mustache. Not a tiny attempt at a moustache like Zachary Quinto tried to do at one point. We’re talking something closer to Yosemite Sam. My first reaction was, “why?” and “gross.” Except for apparently, I’m way off base. (Ed. note: Did you ever stop to consider maybe he was just trying to get better at hunting varmints?)

“Chicks. Are. Obsessed,” my friend, Brian Salgado, wrote. “It was inspired by my girlfriend’s crush on Tom Selleck back in the day. The damn thing has a name – El Salgado – and beggars avoid me because I look crazy enough. Guys even respect me because of it!”

It’ll get you confident chicks with a sense of humor and you won’t ever have to deal with homeless people again — all good reasons for a guy to grow a moustache. Now, I have to admit, it doesn’t look half bad on Salgado. So as long as you make sure you don’t look too creepy, you should be good to go. (Ed. note: “Creepy” in this context means anything that’ll lead to Chris Hansen hanging out in your kitchen just in case.)

If the moustache isn’t your thing, a thin beard looks good on virtually every guy. A little scruff never hurt anyone. Just look at Carmichael, who laughed about how he gets more girls than Levine on the red carpet. Levine had no choice but to out-sing him.

“Facial hair is one small thing a guy can do to send out the message ‘You bet your sweet ass I’m not metrosexual,’ ” Steve Santagati, dating expert and author of The MANual, told New York Magazine regarding facial hair.

It’s appealing to women and you don’t have to shave anymore. Maybe just a trim here and there. And if you dare to grow the big, bushy beard, well, watch out. That might just get you girls who have a fetish for Hasidic Jews, or an unhealthy obsession with lumberjacks. If she gets hot making you flapjacks, then you’re keeping that beard as long as she wants you to. You’re also doing whatever the hell she wants with the maple syrup.

But before you grow out your facial hair like it’s No Shave November, take notes of some guys who got it right, and some who didn’t:

• Don’t be like Spencer Pratt: This is actually just sound advice for anything. Just like everything Spencer does with or without Heidi Montag, a flesh colored beard doesn’t look good. It looks like a weird, fuzzy extension of his face. Creepy.
• Do be like Zachary Quinto: I cited him for a bad porn ‘stache above, but Zachary Quinto got it right when he grew out his facial hair to an on the heavy side stubble. AskMen.com even wrote about him for it, and even though he’s rumored to be gay, with facial hair like that, the ladies don’t care. They just wanna run their hands through his stubble. (Ed. note: Do the pointy ears help too? ‘Cause we know a guy.)

• Don’t be like Brad Pitt: Remember when the Sexiest Man Alive had long hair and a long beard? No? Probably because as soon as Angelina got back from filming/peacemaking/building houses/adopting more kids, she made him make himself over. Even though he’s known as one of the best-looking guys in the United States ever, MSN did a poll and found 84 percent of women hated his beard. Yeah, if that slows his ability to get laid, there’s obviously a problem. Well, not really, because he’s with Angelina, but it proves a point. Scruffy is attractive – the homeless man isn’t really the same thing.

• Do be like Ryan Gosling: Even if he never was cast in The Notebook, chances are girls would still go wild for this scruffy looking guy. It’s something about the “rolled out of bed” look – the matted hair and beard and plaid tees will get girls every time. (Ed. note: Well, I think we just finally unlocked the appeal of grunge, didn’t we?)

• Don’t be like Zack Galifianakis: That’s what a full crazy beard looks like on any guy who doesn’t look like Brad Pitt. When he did a stand-up show at the Purple Onion, a club in San Fran, he shaved off the beard and left a huge caterpillar of a mustache to play his brother, “Seth Galifianakis.” Except it just looks like he tried and failed with the bushy, crazy beard, then said, “No? That doesn’t work, ladies?” and attempted to tempt with the huge ‘stache. It looks like you’re trying too hard, not to mention ridiculous. But there’s a disclaimer: My friend Salgado. There’s an exception to every rule, fellas, so see what works for your face.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

Comments RSS