Holiday hookups at their finest.

Ever start dating someone new pretty close to the holidays? It’s awkward. You don’t know if you should have a talk about gift-giving because your first date was the night before Thanksgiving, and that’s Black Out Wednesday and you don’t remember much about your first date … but hey, everything obviously went great. Maybe. Kind of? Close enough.

Sometimes you can’t be so lucky as to start dating someone who hates the commercialism of Christmas and Hanukkah and wants to pass over celebrating in favor of getting ridiculously drunk on New Year’s Eve (Black Out Wednesday, New Year’s Eve, drinking heavily … now there’s a good pattern). (Ed. note: It’s like Jimmy Stewart said in that one movie: “Christmas doesn’t count if you can remember it.” He said that, right?)

But it’s the holidays, and it even gets chilly out here in Vegas in December. Singles won’t want to sleep alone for long. Beds can get cold, especially on 600 thread count sheets (I know they’re soft, but man, they’re freezing if you don’t warm them from 8 a.m. to whenever you go to sleep. That and the heavy drinking are fantastic reasons to never, ever get out of bed.)

So, since you’re going to delve into inevitable awkwardness that is just-beginning-to-date-in-the-pit-of-the-holiday-season by meeting someone somewhere in a desperate attempt to cuddle, we at least want you to be careful who you cuddle with. Whatever you decide in terms of gift-giving, holiday partying and meeting the family during the holidays, if you met someone this month you’re interested in, we hope to baby Jesus on his birthday it’s not one of these people:

• Avoid dating people who overdo it on the cocktail wieners and Christmas cookies at parties. They will be one of those people who crowd the gym in January, only to stop going and wallow in self-loathing until bathing suit season.
• Avoid dating people who invite you to their family holiday gatherings. It’s too soon to witness anything up close and family-related, even if it consists of their entire family getting sloshed. Especially if it consists of their entire family getting sloshed. Ever spend 20 minutes getting yelled at by a drunk uncle who thinks you’re one of the cousins? The only upside to that is after the inevitable fistfight, at least he’ll buy you a drink. (Note: This applies to Irish families only.)
• Avoid dating people who don’t wear gloves or mittens. It might not get that cold here, but the cold, dry air takes a toll on hands and skin, and you’ll definitely be holding one reptilian hand come January. (This also goes for dating any of the cast of V.)
• Avoid dating people who don’t get the excitement of holiday coffee drinks featuring peppermint, eggnog and gingerbread flavors. They lead a sad and lonely life if they can’t look forward to one thing besides the opportunity to get drunk at several holiday parties. (Ed. note: Does it count if we just get excited about nog with enough brandy in it to keep the St. Bernards in business all winter?)
• Avoid dating people who drop hints that they want a gift that’s out of your price range. A few weeks to a month in constitutes a small gift, if any gift at all. Oh, they were just laid off? Yeah, I’ve been there, I’d be more concerned about food and my next hot meal instead of a diamond watch … unless I had a plan to sell it on the black market.
• Avoid dating people who hint at anything Twilight-related for Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. They are actually 14 years old, and that, my friend, is statutory rape.
• Avoid dating people who don’t participate in the “Keep the Change” program at Yard House, where if you round the total of your meal up to the nearest 10, the change is donated to a charity to help feed the homeless. Giving doesn’t get much easier than having it tacked on to a bar bill you’re too loaded to calculate anyway – and no one needs 30 cents that badly. Except possibly Nic Cage.
• Avoid dating people who like after-holiday sales a little too much. Anyone who would rather camp out in front of TJ Maxx for four hours in the name of 50 percent off is a spazz, and you’re going to wind up spending way too much of your weekends getting dragged around second-hand stores instead of watching football, the way God and nature intended.

Bonus round: Find an atheist who hates Twilight, wears mittens, doesn’t have eating issues and prefers sleeping in to shopping sales. You’re set.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

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