For us? You shouldn’t have. (Yes, you absolutely should have.)

Whether you just started seeing someone or you’ve been with your significant other since what seems like the Renaissance (even Henry the VIII couldn’t handle it, as we know from the sexier-than-it-actually-was show The Tudors), shopping for their Christmas or Hanukkah present is never easy. After all, how many times do you think your girlfriend will love earrings that look exactly like the pair you gave her for her birthday three months earlier. And the pair you gave her on Valentine’s Day. And after you’ve given your boy gift cards to every restaurant, electronics store or clothing store out there he’ll catch on to the fact that you just don’t know what to get him. Especially once you’re down to Chili’s. Come on, they’re going to have that appetizer, two entrees and dessert deal for $20 until the recession is over.

On the flip side, what do you get the guy or girl you barely know, but should probably know a bit better because you know their body really well, you get what I’m saying? (Ed. note: You mean because of all the boning?) Mm-hmm. (Ed. note: We knew it.)

DailyFiasco has come up with a helpful guide to figure out what to get your partner – no matter what stage in the relationship you’re at:

• If he/she is a bang buddy and is hinting at exchanging gifts: Giving each other gifts is a symbol of showing you care, and you are not supposed to care about your bang buddy. They are there for your convenience. You don’t talk to them unless absolutely necessary and they are not supposed to cost you anything except condoms. Maybe lube. Our advice? Sidestep this awkward situation entirely and find a new bang buddy.
• If you’ve been seeing them for less than a month: Only give a gift if you both agreed to exchange, because this is an awkward time period (unless you’re a gold digger spot-on your game, in which case it’s prime hunting season). Don’t give an ostentatious gift — you still don’t know if they’ll suddenly stop calling, and it’s too soon to drop serious cash. Serious cash says serious. After one month, that’s scary to anyone except a girl who sleeps in a fake veil and a T-shirt that reads, “When Will My Prince Charming Arrive?” As nerve-wracking as exchanging gifts this early in, relax, and play up the newness factor. The sex is probably still hot — give gifts that are for both of you: lingerie, chocolate body paint and sex toys (bonus if you can find bona fide holiday-themed sex toys). Unless you’re sure of their kinky thresholds, sidestep that full-on dominatrix outfit and anal beads. Oh, you haven’t slept together yet? Um, oh … haha, wow, guess we’ve been in Vegas too long. Or … college too long. Well, if that’s the case, those “favorite” things should be burned in your mind — favorite bands, favorite movies, favorite TV shows — all the stuff you covered on the first few dates. DVDs of TV shows and movies are good options. Kick it old school burn a CD. Or better yet, an actual mix tape. (This works better if they drive an ’89 Oldsmobile.)
• If you just had the awkward “So, are we boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah?” talk and are officially official: Just like the talk you had about your status and where you stand with each other, this can be awkward territory. Sure, any of the gifts already mentioned will suffice, but if you want them to stick around a little while longer, you’re going to have to work a bit. You’re going to have to … listen. Yeah, I know, we suck at it, too. We usually zone out around “and then Ashlan came in to work wearing a top just like mine, but in brown! Can you believe it!” Well, pay attention to the little things. Is your guy stressed at work? Give him a massage and a romantic bath, complete with candles and, of course, beer. Is your girl longing to get away? Get away while not really leaving – easy to do in Vegas, and now that it’s the off-season, hotels are dropping their rates like The Today Show dropped Adam Lambert. (I’m not even sure if that works, but I just realized that we haven’t dogged on Adam Lambert yet. Shocking.) Splurge on a room or vacation package at Caesars or the Wynn and see how you like vacation sex. (Ed. note: Does it still count as vacation sex when you’re booking a room alone as a “Christmas present to yourself?” It does? Awesome. Extra towels in 2243, please.)
• If you’ve been together longer than you haven’t been: Let each other know you’re not taking up affairs anytime soon by giving the gifts that keep on giving. That’s right, sex toys. (We should get paid by Passion Parties. Really.) Your sex life might be as exciting as the Jonas Brothers’, so toys and other surprises like the lingerie you were afraid to buy your new S.O., handcuffs and sex dice might make it fun. If we’re wrong though, and your sex life is fine, make a date out of your gift by getting both of you tickets to a show, or recreate the best date you ever had together. (The one that ended with you both nearly getting arrested. Naked.) Reminiscing about a time when things were fresh just might be the ticket for the ultimate romantic gift. If not, seriously, go back to No. 2 and give some more consideration to the chocolate body paint.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

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