‘I say, my dear, have you found a gentleman caller yet, or are you still a whore?’

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. It’s many people’s favorite holiday, unless they’re some kind of secret Communist who hates food. But for many singles feeling the pressure to settle down from family, they might not be as eager to pass the mashed potatoes while listening the endless interrogation that starts with one inevitable question: “Why are you still single?”

This question also comes in the form of: “So, met anyone special lately?” “When are you going to get married?” “Are you dating yet?” and “Are you sure you’re not gay? Because we could get used to it, I guess. We’re only after grandchildren.”

Going home for the holidays usually increases the chances for nervous breakdowns among single people in their late 20s to late 30s, especially the women. (Ed note: A guy’s chance for a nervous breakdown on Thanksgiving is only directly proportional to the degree of their Lions fandom.) Emotions toward pestering family members can range from depression to anger to low self-esteem to extreme anger to denial to grief to homicidal rage.

But this year will be different. This year, skip the normal answers like, “I haven’t met anyone I really click with” or “I’m happy being single right now.” They’ll just give you that look. You know the look. The look that makes you feel like if you don’t meet someone you can marry soon, you should start picking out cat names for your 13th and 14th. Or, if you’re a guy, that you might as well rent a place near the closest high school and get a head start being that guy who sits on his porch watching the girls walk home (at night, you can transform into the older gentleman dancing by himself in the club).

Remember: The aim of the game is to make your least-favorite aunt choke on her turkey. Good luck.

• “I’m really busy right now having promiscuous sex.”
• “I’d feel really guilty cheating on my left hand. It’s been nothing but good to me.”
• “Oh, I am seeing someone. He doesn’t know I exist, but I try to see him as often as possible. Some call it stalking, I call it love.”
• “Yeah, actually I was seeing someone, but I had to dump her because I got her pregnant.”
• “I’ve seen how you two act and I’ve decided I’d rather be alone than ever end up like you. Ever.”
• “Are you kidding? I haven’t even figured out if I’m gay or straight yet, but I’m having fun trying to make up my mind.”
• “Mom, you should know why. I’m a huge bitch, like you.” (Or, respectively: “Dad, you should know why. I’m a massive dickhead, like you.”)
• “She’s here. You just can’t see her.”
• “I’m just waiting for her to get back to one of the 258 text messages I sent over the last four hours. I think she has spotty cell service or something.”
• “He had to spend the holiday with his wife. I know, lame, right? I’m still a little upset about it.”
• “I’m going to bring him a plate later during visiting hours at the retirement home.”

Feel free to mix and match or try your own variations — and definitely tell us which ones made Nana spit up gravy. You’re welcome.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

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