Ladies, haven’t you always dreamed of your sad, creepy World of Warcraft wedding?

The Internet turned 40 last month. Yeah, we know a thing or two about other things going on in the world, and things other than how to turn a one-night stand into a relationship. Shocking, I know.

Among the great things the Internet gave birth to – YouTube, porn, Facebook, porn, really disgusting porn you only watch on a dare, Gmail and porn – is online dating. The Internet had made it ridiculously simple to meet absolutely anyone from the comfort of your laptop. Really, the “meeting people” part is optional. Webcams, booze and lowered inhibitions are a wonderful thing.

Yes, online dating – it’s a tricky arena. Once you kept it a secret on par with “there’s a deep history of homicide in my family” or “I did a little porn in college” or “there’s a better-than-average chance I have a penis” because it meant you were so pathetic you couldn’t meet real-live humans in the real-live world. But, it has brought millions of couples together, so you can’t beat it up too much. I mean, eHarmony alone has put about, what, 3 trillion desperate loners together, right? At least that’s what those damn commercials say.

Then came more specific dating sites – sites for nerds, sites for gold diggers, sites for guys looking for sugar mommas (Ed. note: We absolutely have to get the name of that sugar momma site). All sorts of sites popped up so that people could get really specific about who they wanted to date.

Some of those sites were fine. Others? Well, Here are some you probably should avoid if you’re going to take the plunge into online dating. Then again, maybe you’ll discover you have a thing for Ayn Rand. Or adult diapers.

• Vampersonals, GothicMatch and GothScene: What started the vampire craze? Was it Twilight? Was it True Blood? I’d like to blame Twilight, but that’s just because I blame it for a lot of things — the recession and distracting everyone from Jon and Kate, mainly. (Jon needs the attention or his new clothing line won’t sell. Have a heart, people.) But back to vampire dating. Real-life vampires are way less hot. Picture a fat Andy Dick with vampire teeth. Scary, but not in the way you’re looking for.
• TheAtlasphere (dating for Ayn Rand fans): Got a weird thing or strong, strong love for Ayn Rand? So do these people. If your dream date involves exercising one’s rational self-interest in a world full of parasites and looters over wine, using the word “dystopia” as often as possible and re-enacting sex scenes in The Fountainhead, this could be the site for you. (Ed note: Was the Fountainhead sex scene the rapey one, or the extra rapey one?)
• DateMeDateMyPet: People love their pets. Some people love their pets a little too much. And some people let their pets decide who they should date. Yes, here, animal compatibility is the most accurate measure of compatibility, so you better hope your parakeet stops scaring everyone off by screaming obscenities all the time. It’s just not charming.
• DateCraft (dating for World of Warcraft fans): There are lots of sites geared toward nerds in the dating world. But this one is how you would expect a World of Warcraft dating site to look. No, there are no rogues or hunters, but on the front page the site displays photos of their 15 most recent visitors … the ratio was 12 dudes/one girl/two I’m not sure (would a chick wear a Mario hat? I don’t even know what the other was, but it looked like an attempt at a sexy topless photo without showing naughty bits). Which, actually, seemed about right. The good part is, it gives you a good reason to try out all those “epic purple sword” double entendres you’ve been saving up.
• DailyDiapers: Yes, this site is dating for people who wear diapers. Not Depends, but baby diapers. I mean, it’s not like things like this would really come up casually in conversation — unless you very obviously have diaper butt — so I guess it’s great that there’s a site like this out there. It gives you a focal point during your normally free-floating weeping for humanity.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

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