John Waters said he wanted to be Vincent Price growing up. No kidding. (Photo by Hew Burney)

Here are our thoughts from John Waters’ one-man show, This Filthy World: Filthier & More Horrible, at the Palms on Saturday during Trinity of Terrors, as they occurred in real time.

“Hey, John Waters is really eloquent and charming. That was probably to be expected.”

“Wow, he’s a lot funnier than we thought he’d be, too.”

“Huh, even though we expected some shocking material, we didn’t expect– OH DEAR GOD WHY IS THAT FAMILY JUST NOW BRINGING THEIR CHILD OUT OF THE SHOW 10 MINUTES AFTER THE FIRST MENTION OF ‘ANILINGUS?’ ”

The lesson, as always, is don’t ever bring your kids to a show from a guy famous for making a transvestite eat poop on film. Waters’ show was not only excellent, but full of timeless advice for the youth of today coupled with homespun wisdom from his own past and invocations to subversion.

• “What I wanted when I was 8 years old was the wrath of the Pope himself.”
• “If you can choose, you can be a healthy neurotic. There. I just saved you a lot of money on psychotherapy.”
• “Tell your daughter, ‘If you get pregnant, someone’s going to cut that baby out with a car key.’ She’ll listen.”
• “… and Divine said, ‘I am Jackie Kennedy.’ “
• “The pigs started fucking and it was really shocking, because it wasn’t in the script. I said to Divine, ‘Look, you make pigs horny.’ “
• “Just go get the paper and make a movie every day.”
• “I taught for mostly murderers and I showed them Pink Flamingos (I couldn’t believe they let me) and they said, ‘You are fucked up.’ “
• “I’m against capital punishment because I’m afraid I’ll get it.”
• “Don’t be taking a shit and reading. What, do you want a colostomy bag? Shit and get off the pot. It’s repellent.”
• “You can be sexy when you vote. When you go in and pull that lever, touch yourself.”
• “Take your old porno and put it back on the shelf in Blockbuster. Or better yet, Wal-Mart.”
• “I really want to be in the Alvin & The Chipmunks movie because I’m sexually attracted to Alvin. We all have a type. … Sometimes I play my records on the wrong speed and masturbate.
• “I’m tired of writing ‘cult filmmaker’ on my tax returns. I want to write ‘cult leader.’ “

By Jason Scavone

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