If she leaves you early, expect to hear ‘looks like you lost your balls’ for the rest of the night.

I’ve met a few guys that hate Halloween, but none for legitimate reasons. Halloween, a.k.a Every Sensible, Respectable Girl and, OK, Whores, All Dress as Sluts Day, should be your favorite holiday. Because bottom line, you can see hot girls showing more skin than any given day out at the clubs for free. I don’t care that you have to come up with a costume or you had a bad experience – get over it. Better yet, get over it while you watch the slutty nurses, slutty teachers, naughty cops angels and devils walk their hot selves out on ESRGAOWADAS Day. Better known as Halloween.

Even if you’re in a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with eye candy. But if you are in a relationship, there’s a whole other obstacle that may make you dread Halloween: The couples costume.

Lots of girls think couples costumes are cute, witty and clever, but what usually ends up happening is the girl looks cute and sexy, while the guy’s dignity is reduced to roughly that of Jon Gosselin. And the night is even worse if you two get in a fight and your girlfriend leaves you — in costume.

Yep, lots of alcohol, scantily-clad costumed women and more alcohol mean there could be some booze-induced fights for some couples this Halloween. Sure, positive thinking’s good and all, and I’m sure your relationship is dandy, but better safe than sorry. It’s one thing to be left at the party when she caught you ogling the Cowboys cheerleaders and the slutty pirate, but it’s another when you decide to go as one of the couples costumes below. Avoid these, because if something happens and you’re left alone, this is what will happen:

• Adam and Eve: This is a costume idea that appears cute at first, but if you’re ditched, you’re just Naked Guy for the rest of the night.
• Peter Pan and Tinkerbell/Robin Hood and Maid Marion: Real men wear tights for their girlfriends (they know they’ll be rewarded – or should be – with lots of sex). But if she ditches you here, well, you’re gonna just look gay. Tights, vest and a feather in your cap. As a precaution, learn all the words to this song.
• Plug and socket: Sure, it’s a funny costume, but get ditched and boy do you look creepy. Even more creepy than Naked Guy. At least that guy looks like he’s trying to be sexy. The plug is basically walking around by himself with a boner, and with no outlet, it’ll look like you’ll stick it in anything. Although this is acceptable if you work on the Late Show with David Letterman.
• God and an angel: The costumes we choose are reflections of what we want to express. So, God? Really? A little full of yourself, aren’t ya?
• Night and day: Are you dating a fifth grader? This is a lame costume idea, and a lame attempt to match. But if the lady insists and you deign to her desires, no matter which you dress up as – all black as night or all light blue and white – you’ll look silly if your girl ditches you. At least if you choose to go as night, you maybe can say you’re Johnny Cash. I mean, not really, but hey, I’m trying to help you out here.
• Cat and kitty litter: This is just a weird couples costume that I had to throw in because two people who raised me dressed as these one Halloween. Yeah, my parents. It started out OK, with the kitty costume, but then I think Dad tried a tad bit too hard to come up with something clever to match with it. First, it doesn’t make sense (Why not a mouse?), if you get in a fight you definitely look weird dressed as kitty litter. Even if you don’t get in a fight, some people might begin to think you’re saying something about your relationship. But some good news: my parents are still married. So I guess as long as it makes sense to you and you have fun doing it (and you don’t give birth to a kid who grows up to exploit embarrassing facts for a column), um, go ahead.

These are our top picks for couples costumes to avoid just because the guy will look like a jackass without his girlfriend to complete the look. If we see any plugs creeping out the girls at a party, we’re gonna know you didn’t read this column. And then, forget your girlfriend – you’ll really be in trouble.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

Comments RSS