‘Why double check the brakes? What’s the worst that could happen?’

The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook is full of helpful information if you ever plan on, say, trying to fall off a building and live, or jump from a motorcycle into a moving car, or escape from being bound and gagged. (Actually, there are times that comes in handy.) The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Extreme Edition takes those situations to the absolute worst, but the most horrifying, gruesome, gut-wrenching situations take place in Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide: Dating and Sex.

Even scarier, you’ve probably needed that advice at least once: To rid yourself of someone hitting on you, or to save your date from choking (hey, it’s in the book). And if not, well congratulations. Aren’t you just perfect at picking out dates then? Booooooring.

Anyway, anyone can relate to that book, but people in Vegas can encounter entirely different scenarios. Different, of course, meaning worse – because this place attracts all kinds of jacka– er, different kinds of people. Read on and take notes. Any of this could happen to you.

Scenario No. 1: You meet a bachelor party and one guy in particular is cute. They invite you back up to the room after the party. Just one thing: They’re all broke, so 12 of them are packed in a two-bed room. As you start making out on the bed, even though he insists all his buddies are passed out, you can’t help but feel some eyes on you.

How to deal: You’ve got a couple options. It’s easiest if this kind of thing turns you on, because then you can just invite all the guys who want in onto the bed. If the original guy gets jealous, that’s his problem — he should have booked his own room. (Ed. note: We are never, ever, splitting a room with our friends again, ever. Even if it’s a one-night business trip to Sioux Falls.)

If not, whisper you’ve got another idea of where to get freaky, and lead him to the bathroom. (Warning: this is a room of 12 guys. You really think the bathroom will be pleasant? Really? Oh, you innocent creature. You’ve obviously never set foot in a frat house. At the very least, don’t look at the toilet.) Lay down towels in the bathtub for padding, or if you’re so inclined, disrobe, fill up the tub, and have at it. Just be careful not to slip when you get out. No one wants a head injury buzzkilling the night.

Storyline No. 2: The chick you thought was super-hot last night is … not. So not. And she’s awake next to you in bed, bugging you about breakfast and what you’re doing that night. Obviously, you make up an excuse to get out of all of the above, and are back out that night — until she storms up to you, demanding to know why you lied.

How to deal: Look at her confused and say, “Do I know you?” (This is more plausible if you did encounter head trauma in Scenario No. 1.) Hey, you’ll never see her again. Well, I hope not, or you have really bad luck. The chances of running into someone on the Strip twice is about the same as Denise Richards having an entertaining reality show. Exactly.

Storyline No. 3: You meet an older businessman who is coming from the trade show afterparty as you’re walking to the center bar. After lots of laughs and conversation, he invite you up to his suite. He’s a high roller, so he has the room all to himself. But then he pops a Viagra.

How to deal: You’re already there, you knew he was older, you can either get grossed out and leave or roll with it and get the silver fox like you intended. In fact, see if he’ll let you take one to see if it does for you like it did for Samantha on Sex and the City when she popped the little blue pill. I’m skeptical – Samantha acted like a nutcase on Viagra. So, please ladies, take it and report back if it’s true. (Ed. note: How do you even tell the difference when one of the Sex and the City broads is acting like a nutcase?)

Storyline No. 4: A hot chick hits on you. Score one. She’s an athlete. Score two. But wait – she’s not just any athlete: She’s in Cirque. Hello, lifetime of fantasies coming true with no possible foreshadowing of regret. She invites you back to her place to see how flexible you are. Guess what? You’re not very flexible. In fact, you’ve hurt your back and leg trying to impress her, and now you’re in the fetal position and can’t move.

How to deal: First, resist crying. No, your leg isn’t supposed to bend that way, but act like a man. Second, call an ambulance. Third, you’re done romancing her. There’s nothing romantic about a thrown-out back. Your best bet is to make her laugh. Which shouldn’t be too hard as she’s probably in the corner dying already.

Next, hope to God you’re funny enough to at least get her number and let her give you another chance. Just make sure you limber up first this time. I’d suggest taking an Acrofit class before you try to get back in the saddle (or trapeze, as the case may be) — it’s a class for Cirque wannabes.

Got a question, problem or a rash you can’t get rid of? Let contributor Stephanie Sims help. Write us, and maybe if you’re good and promise to stop chasing the cat around with that jar of peanut butter, it’ll find its way into the column.

By Stephanie Sims

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